Motherhood: The Slow Embrace


(WARNING: This post is extremely honest and blunt and intended to encourage those who have been or are going through something similar)


“I couldn’t leave my baby’s side for more than five minutes…”

“I fell in love with my baby as soon as I laid eyes on her…”

“There was an immediate bond between us…”

“I just couldn’t get enough of her!…”

These are all things I had been told before I gave birth to our Kimberlee Joy from several friends who were regaling me with their birth stories. I remember them so clearly because I struggled for those statements to come true for me. The later half of my pregnancy had me excited and fantasizing about my precious little girl. I had nested to my fullest capacity and was ready to have her in my arms. When my OB told me I was showing signs of preeclampsia and might have to deliver early, part of me was happy because I wanted to meet her. Though the news was worrisome to some degree, it was like being told I could open a Christmas present early or something.


Kimberlee had plans of her own and decided she wanted to join the world on her own terms and in her own time without the help of induction. I had been battling some major contractions for two days and lost two nights worth of sleep before Thomas said enough is enough and drove me to the hospital. I had only dilated to 2 cm when my contractions escalated even more. I laid there howling in pain on the triage hospital bed waiting to hear the heavenly words, “Time for you to be admitted.” That did not happen until three hours later.


By the time I had gotten to 4 cm dilation, I was begging to know when I could have my epidural. They finally whisked me away to the birthing unit where I was given a pain medication through my IV to help me sleep so I would have energy for delivery. Soon the anesthesiologist came to perform my epidural. During the process, I fell asleep and while the Dr. was still exploring my spine, a nerve sent a shock through my leg that woke me up in a fright and I jolted suddenly with a scream. Everything seemed fine at the moment but I paid for it later.


The epidural was like a dream come true. I could feel pressure but I wasn’t in agony anymore. I could actually get sleep! I slept for about 2 more hours before I had dilated to 10cm and the Dr. came to break my water. Once that was done, I felt ready to push and take on my birth warrior title with a vaginal delivery. I pushed for 2 hours with little progress except a fever spike. Thomas could just see the top of her head when Kimberlee started showing signs of distress from the monitor attached to my stomach. I had to make the call I thought was best for her and was soon wheeled down to the OR for an emergency C-section. I was numbed to the point where I couldn’t move or even tell when they had started cutting into me. I remember feeling dizzy and nauseous halfway through and staring into the blue cover they put in front of my face while Thomas watched them taking out organs and placing them back.


I remember feeling tugs back and forth and eventually a weak little cry broke through the fog of my weary mind and body. Thomas came around the blue veil with our daughter tightly wrapped up. I could only see a bundle in his arms from my angle on the operating table. I hadn’t even seen her face completely or long enough to remember when she was rushed up to the NICU and I was left to be stitched up and transported. Thomas sent pictures to my phone from the NICU and I remember thinking “She’s so cute!” I studied the picture looking for similarities between Thomas and I.


I slept like the dead that night after all the events that had transpired. I learned the next morning from Thomas that Kimberlee wasn’t breathing right after she came out. I was eager to hold her and get things rolling when a problem developed. When it was finally time for me to get up and walk for the first time to see her in the NICU, I arose and immediately my head was filled with splitting pain. It would only present itself when sitting up. When laying flat, I would be relieved of the pain in my head. I relayed my concerns to my nurse and she suspected it was spine related. She contacted the anesthesiologist immediately to perform a “blood patch”. This entailed the implementation of yet another epidural in which the Dr. would inject a vile of my blood into my spine to clot the spinal leakage that was causing my head to split. He said that once the blood is injected that the relief would be immediate. Praise God it was, but I was ordered to lay flat for another 2 hours before getting up again.


I was discharged in the usual 3 day fashion of a C-section patient. Kimberlee remained in the NICU for five days before we took her home. The first night was as expected….Complete Overwhelm. The second night wasn’t as bad but the lack of sleep and  anxious thoughts of “This is what my life is going to be like now”, “I’m never going to get good sleep”, “I’m going to be all alone during the day”, “I can’t do this”, and etc. finally broke me and in entered post partum depression like a giant wave that had taken my breath away in one second. I felt immediately trapped and panicked by my circumstances and slowly the lies that one oppressed by depression is afflicted with started screaming loudly in my mind…”I don’t want her”, “I didn’t want this”, “I miss life being just me my dog and Thomas”, “I don’t want to wake up”, “I want to sleep forever”, “I can’t take care of her”, “I want to die”.


I remember being terrified of waking up because when I did the depression washed over me as soon as I came back from dreaming into reality. I would look at my sweet Kimberlee and feel nothing. I was so detached from her and felt detached from everyone around me. During a visit to my in-laws house I had a mental breakdown and finally revealed what I was feeling. My husband and my in-laws told me to go downstairs and get some rest. I woke up the next morning with all of my clothes, medications, baby stuff, and bassinet all at my in-laws house. During my deep sleep, my husband moved our things over and we ended up living with my dear in-laws for almost a month. I don’t know what I would have done without them helping take care of Kimberlee. They were able to smile at her, play with her, and care for her when I felt I could not. The devil decided he wanted to steal this blessing away from me by putting guilt in my head. “You shouldn’t have to have help”, “You’re a lazy mother..a bad mother”, “You’ll fail when you move back into your house”, “You’re depression is making others sad and uncomfortable”, “No-one wants to be around you”, “You are the biggest burden”.


I believed these things even though no-one helping me was even voicing anything of the sort. I felt like a horrible person for not being “happy” about being a mother and for not gushing over my daughter like so many others were. I wanted to be that person, but the haze was thick and I needed help. I always knew I was pre-disposed to this type of mental illness because some of my family members struggled with it also. I found comfort in seeing how God gave them victory over it because I so desperately wanted victory in my story. I talked to my doctor about what I had been feeling and more importantly what I had been thinking. At one point I was so low I wanted to drive myself off the bridge I was going over. These thoughts were NOT me. They were not of God. They were symptoms of the depression. I told my doctor that I fought negative thoughts constantly and was feeling weary of it. I ended up being prescribed Zoloft.


The medicine takes a while to build up and I could not feel a change for many weeks. My sister, who had overcome PPD referred me to a Christian counseling service to help determine thoughts that are true and of God as opposed to those being spun by the enemy through my mental illness. Sometimes I needed people to tell me things I needed to declare out loud. “God chose you for Kimberlee”, “You are not alone”, “This too shall pass”, “You are a good mother”. I began taking every thought captive and asked God for the strength to do mind battle and take care of Kimberlee at the same time. I prayed strength for my family members and gave thanks for their help instead of letting their help make me feel guilty. I thanked God for my husband Thomas for keeping a jovial spirit in the midst of my sorrowful state. Lastly, I thanked God for Kimberlee. Even though I did not feel like I was thankful for her I did it anyway. I sought and still seek the Lord every morning and throughout the day and night.


Slowly but surely, the fog began to lift little by little. I would feel warmth in my heart when I saw Kimberlee smile. I would hear her cry and actually want to comfort her. I slowly began to embrace motherhood and let thoughts of my past life before being a mother go. I remember actually laughing genuinely at something till I cried and thinking “This is me…Praise God”. Now I feel like the proud momma. The one that wants to dress her daughter up with pretty bows and brag about how perfectly adorable I think she is in every way. I kiss and nibble her little cheeks and feel like sometimes my heart will burst because I love her so much.


God has taught me so much through this transition into motherhood. First and foremost I learned that I cannot be a mother without God. I literally do not have the strength, the patience, the selflessness, and the endurance apart from the Lord. I was foolish to ever believe I could and I believe quite differently now. The Lord allowed everything I thought I had control of in my life to be stripped away. My sleep, my mental health, my physical health, my appearance, my overall day and what I chose to do with it. I believe he allowed this to happen so that I would learn how to truly rely on him for each and every moment both good and bad wether I felt like it or not. Feelings are manipulated by depression but I was told that feelings should not dictate our actions. I felt hopeless, but I knew God would give me hope. I felt sad and sorrowful, but I chose to sing about how amazing and faithful God is.


I am still getting used to my role and still occasionally fighting thoughts I know are not true, but God is healing me and teaching me along the way. I just wanted to put this out there because I know that social media and other avenues paint a picture for us about pregnancy, parenthood, and life that is glistening and perfect. Most people will not upload a photo of their screaming child or their swollen feet. I’m not saying that we need to be complaining or being little rainclouds. Rather, I think we need to be REAL. The reality for me is that my first month as a mother was so incredibly dark and I felt incredible pressure to be “normal” by standards set by others and by myself. Well people, this is incredibly normal and if you are going through the same thing I pray this encourages you to hold on, let God be God, and to see victories in your day no matter how small you think they are.



Thank you for your prayers and please keep them coming. I know I have half of Florida praying for us right now and that boosts my spirit incredibly. Here’s to finding joy in all circumstances wether we feel up or down.


Till Next Post,

~The Mrs. & Kimberlee Joy






Travel & Renewal



(Bok Tower Gardens Lake Wales, Florida)

     Quite some time has passed between the last Delightfully Downin post and this one. Too much information has transpired to keep you engaged so I’ll keep my darting down bunny trails of memory and thought to a minimum. Late May I resigned my position at DMCS’s Early Education Center to acquire some much needed TLC and rest. I knew that this would put some financial strain on us as a family unit, but the Mr. also agreed that it would be good for me to “get out” so to speak and focus on our baby girl and visiting family before she arrives in September. The first adventure I planned for myself was returning to Fort Myers to spend some quality time with my family members and finally meet my little niece Ainsley Rose for the first time since her birth in December!


     The day I arrived at my old Floridian homestead was just like Christmas without all the decorations and presents. My family trickled in within 5 minutes apart from each other. First, the Weirich girls showed up and I got to hold “little A” and make her laugh as much as I possibly could while catching up with my sister on just about everything we could scrape out of our minds at the moment. Next, my brother arrived and in typical Mike fashion, worked on his laptop in the Great Room with us occasionally adding to our winding conversation as Maddy circled profusely looking for a spot to plop her enormous rear-end.


     One of the most incredible moments I encountered during our group piling on the floor of the Great Room was how much my niece Emma had grown! I remember seeing her walk through the door and feeling a ping of disbelief. I suppose living so far away and not seeing her as frequently makes the times we are together a bit shocking at first. I was amazed with her beauty and despite many claiming that she looks 100% Jonathan, for some reason I see so much of my sister in her both appearance and spirit. It was such a treasure learning about what she does in preschool and coaxing her to tell me who her friends are and what she does. It was also a treasure seeing how my brother in law handled her “3 year old tendencies” as I call them with so much patience, calmness, and gentleness! I had to tell my sister how impressed I was because it is NOT EASY. I’m not even at parent level yet and still had moments with my 3’s preschool class where I knew my tone crossed the line. I’m so excited to see how wonderful my nieces are going to grow up to be with such loving parents!


     As if things couldn’t get lovelier any quicker, Amanda soon strode in visiting me before her departure to Latvia on a missions trip with her husband and other members of their church. It started to feel like a family reunion and that we should start pulling out albums or pictures. Low and behold this feeling was satisfied as Amanda whipped out a bridal album that her mother in law put together for her from her wedding day! We all gathered around on the floor (Minus Mike) and started plowing through several pages remembering funny inside jokes, pointing out fake smiles, and reliving one of my most favorite events to date. Before we knew it, Mom strode in fresh off the work wagon and started plowing through the pictures herself adding her own perspective on being a guest there. I took a moment to visually encapsulate this moment before we all dispersed back into the grain of life. My heart was full.


     Speaking of fullness of heart, the next day was the occurrence of another event that will fill my heart eery time I remember it. My friend from high school, Justin Perry, was getting married! Justin is one of those people that I can honestly not remember knowing how or the exact moment we became friends and I love situations like that! He has a personality that is automatically friendly and you feel like you’ve known him for years because he is so graciously transparent and down to earth. I’ve only met Jessica a handful of times, but from those precious few times I saw such a radiant spirit! She has a gravitational pull and you find yourself so pleased to be in her presence. Seeing them together long before they were engaged you just KNEW it was special. Unfortunately, the Mr. could not accompany me to their wedding. However, this gave my mom and I the opportunity to road trip together and catch up a ton and spend some one on one time together. I was also so grateful to find out that I’d be sitting with people that feel like family who I also went to high school with. Thanks for that Perry’s!


     The ceremony was one of the most God glorifying events I had ever been to. Everything reflected back to God’s goodness, faithfulness, devotion, and power. When I get to attend weddings that God is the center of it’s almost like going to church! The spirit is there and you feel it heavily in the best way imaginable. Truth is spoken and conviction reverberates those who cling to the truth. Praise is given and worship from many grateful hearts ascends into the Heavens. Love covenants are made reminding us about how much more the Lord loves us than we could ever love each other; even our spouses. Seeing Jessica and her family so strong after losing her father was a testament of faith in Christ. It was so powerful that I’m sure if any stranger off the street walked in attended the ceremony that person would come out wanting to know God more.


     On a more superficial level, the wedding venue was decked out to the nines! Crystal everywhere your eye could see accented and reflected purple hues through billows of airy draped fabrics and added an element of romance and intimacy throughout the entire room. The food was FANTASTIC and the cake was spot on! Another special treat was watching and listening to the speeches from three of the bride and groom’s closest friends  and family. My favorite was Robbie’s speech (Yes, I’m probably biased because it’s my best friend’s husband). It wasn’t stuffed with fluff or overly gushing from the seams. It was simple, genuine, and had great touches of humor. You did great Robbie! Shakes and all. Even as a guest, this event seemed to happen all too fast and I was soon back in tow with my mom to a nearby hotel to crash for the night. We had big plans on our road trip back to Fort Myers to stop off at Bok Tower Gardens (The engagement site of my sister).


     I had never been to the Bok Tower Gardens before. It was such a nice detour and great exercise walking around the grounds and enjoying some of God’s prettiest creations. We weren’t the only ones who had the same idea. There was somewhat of an massively enormous family group (100-150 persons) from India touring the grounds around the same time my mom and I were poking about. Thankfully the waiting time for our tour of the mansion wasn’t too bad, but just the sheer amount of people and children running around both with customary Indian clothes and some very “Americanized”taking pictures and chatting was enough to make it a funny memory for both my mom and I. Here are some of the pictures we captured that day on the grounds!

     Soon we were back on the road again searching for a place to eat. That in itself is a story all it’s own! Haha! One story you can probably ask my mom next time you see her. Anyways, it was back to Fort Myers to get prepared for my Floridian baby shower! My mom and my sister put so much effort into making it amazing and it certainly was! The food alone was superb! If you’ve never had my mom’s pulled pork and mozzarella pasta salad then you have not truly discovered what it means to have a happy tummy. It was so nice running into old friends and meeting a new one of my mom’s. Fellowship with people in general is something I greatly enjoy! Katy did an amazing job coming up with fun games to keep us on our toes and stretch some of us to get creative and out of our comfort zones. I just wanted to thank all of you ladies who came to bless my little one because in turn, you ended up blessing me all the more! Here are some moments my sister captured from the shower!




     Good times have come and gone but this is one I will hold dear to my heart. Lastly, on my list of things I felt I needed to hit on within this post, is a word found in it’s title; Renewal. This is where the crap hits the fan so to speak and I get real transparent about my/our current state of life. Way back when we first discovered I was pregnant and that first trimester did a horrible number on my health, we decided to leave Summitcreek church where we had helped serve and get the church launched. We firmly believed the Lord was taking us to another church within our area and we knew it by name. Long story short, It is not to be our home church. Heavily disappointed with not being able to find our church home, we stopped searching and started streaming from our previous home church First Assembly in Fort Myers, Florida. We know it’s just not the same as going and serving and fellowshipping with other believers and building accountability partners.


    Speaking only for myself, I personally started to feel disconnected from the Lord to the point where the streaming sermons stopped altogether and life went on without anything challenging, positive, and life altering going in. This started to effect my “joy”. I simply couldn’t find it and skirted around the real solution (Making God the center of my life again). I started trying to fill it up with things and material possessions trying to satiate the hunger for true joy. It was through my worldly discontentment and ingratitude that I become a bad steward of my finances and no longer trusted the Lord in providing in that faction of my life. This leads me to my point. As I mentioned in the first paragraph of this post, I resigned my job for the summer and this has put even more financial strain on us than I had initially anticipated. I planned on doing nanny jobs/babysitting/pet sitting to help out but apparently if you are competing with someone who isn’t pregnant for the same job, I guess a pregnant lady isn’t your first choice. Something I foolishly never took into account. LOTS of rejection and lots of guilt for not being able to help my husband provide transpired. I panicked and I panicked bad. What if scenarios swirled in my head and I believed every. single. one. My walk with God was so weak that I was being viciously attacked by the enemy on a consistent basis. It wasn’t until I returned from my Florida visit that my mother “laid it out for me” over the phone.  God wants me to learn something so badly and I keep running away. It was so bad that I didn’t even realize where the root of my problem started and I needed to do some serious work to get back to holding God’s hand.


     It’s funny where the Lord will find you sometimes. He found me recently in a Toyota of Des Moines service waiting room holding a book I received from my dear friend Manders and I finally cracked it open to reveal the answer I had been seeking about where the root of my issues began. The one word the rang through the author’s mind hit me like a ton of bricks. “Eucharisteo”. The Greek word for “Thanksgiving”. There were so many simply profound statements in this book that I could feel the words piercing my heart every time something God wanted to show me was read. I hope these encourage and challenge you as much as they have pierced me.

  • “The act of sacrificing thank offerings to God -even for the bread and cup of cost, for cancer, and crucifixion-this prepares the way for God to show us his FULLEST salvation from bitter, angry, resentful lives and from ALL sin that estranges us from Him.”
  • “We enter into fullness of life if our faith gives THANKS.”
  • “Jesus counts THANKSGIVING as integral in a faith that saves.”
  • ” Our salvation in Christ is real, yet the completeness of that salvation is not fully realized in a life until the life realizes the need to give thanks…in EVERYTHING.”
  • “All those years thinking I was saved and had said my yes to God, but was really living the no. Was it because I had never fully experienced the whole of my salvation? Had never lived out the fullest expression of my salvation in Christ? Because I wasn’t taking everything in my life and returning to Jesus, falling at His feet and thanking Him?…This is why I sat all those years in church but my soul holes had never fully healed.”
  • “If we are dying of thirst, passively reading books about water quenches little; the only way to quench the parched mouth is to close the book and dip the hand into water and bring it to the lips. If we thirst we have to drink. We must DO something.”
  • “A nail is driven out by another nail; habit is overcome by habit.” Erasmus said that, contemporary and admirer of Martin Luther.”
  • “Practice is the hardest part of learning, and training is the essence of transformation.”
  • “Do not disdain the small. The whole of the life-even the hard- is made up of minute parts, and if I miss the infinitesimals, I miss the WHOLE. These are new language lessons, and I live them out. There is a way to live the big of giving thanks in all things. It is this: to give thanks in this one small thing. The moments will add up.

What I found so interesting in this author’s study of Eucharisteo is that it ALWAYS precedes the miracle. She gives several references in her book. The last principle that really hits home for me is that Eucharisteo has to be LEARNED. Paul said it himself in the Bible when he wrote to the Philippians (4:11). He said, “I have LEARNED to be content with whatever I have.” We all know that in order to LEARN we need to PRACTICE and PRACTICE is the hardest part of LEARNING! Living the change out by hammering in new habits to drive out the old ones just as Martin Luther stated.

The author was able to start the “hammering” process by taking on a challenge of naming one thousand gifts she was grateful for and writing them down daily. This slowly began to change her heart and transition her into fullness of life with her walk in Christ and gave her the ability to walk through extremely terrifying and disappointing circumstances with TRUE JOY.

I believe that my ingratitude and discontentment in life came from not reflecting Eucharisteo back to my Lord and Savior. I am taking the challenge as of this post publishing. Because Eucharisteo directly links to faith in the Lord,  I am firmly believing that my faith will renew as a result of attacking the old behaviors with new ones. I shared this with you to encourage you and also to put my imperfection out in the open as a means to empower others to speak up about their struggles and seek wisdom and counsel. Just because someone doesn’t air their dirty laundry doesn’t mean it’s not there stinking up the closet and needing to be dealt with. Haha! We all fall short. Remember that. May God help us with our disbelief. Please keep your Delightfully Downin family in your prayers as we seek out our home church and refocus our center! Thank you!

What lies ahead for me this week is a visit to my Grandparents at their beach house in Lewes, Delaware! It’s my last travel adventure for quite some time. I will keep you posted on baby girl Downin and look forward to sharing her nursery sneak peek with you all in early August on the blog. We love you all and Thank you for all your prayer support and encouragement!

Until Then,

~ The Mrs.